THINGS CORPSE BRIDE WOULD NEVER SAY!
by alyssialui
Summary: i thought what other things could i make off of a great movie. then it hit me... Corpse Bride. hope you like it
1. Chapter 1

Barkis sticks sword into Emily. She takes sword out of ribcage and points it at Barkis.

Emily: I couldn't resist mate.

Victor: Isn't that my line?

* * *

Gutkneckt: The words are binding you until death 'till you part.

Emily: What are you saying?

Gutkneckt: Death has already parted you.

Emily: Oh. Well, good work, Mister Obvious.

* * *

Finis: We shall continue with the wedding with or without Vincent

Maudeline: Victor.

Finis: Look! He looks like Vincent. He's got big eyes, eyebrows pointed upwards. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE?!!!?

* * *

Maggot: You don't have any friends. Nobody likes you.

Emily: Not listening. I'm not listening.

(Sorry, the bit where she's telling him to shut up reminded me of Gollum/Smeagol.)

* * *

Emily: Pardon my enthusiasm.

Victor: I like your enthusiasm, saavy?

Emily: Huh?

Victor: Damn! I gotta stop doing that!

* * *

Galswells: Have you remembered to bring the One Ring? Oops. I'm not Saruman anymore.

* * *

Emily: You're married to me. She's the other woman!

Gutkneckt: You know, it's not too late for you to file for a divorce.

* * *

Maggot: If I hadn't just been sitting in it, I would say that you'd lost your mind

Emily: Hey, I just married a rich Johnny Depp lookalike. I'm _trying_ to be optimistic here.

* * *

Village boy: Grandpa?

Corpse: No I'm Uncle Charlie, Grandpa's still coming back there. Arthritis.

* * *

Gertrude: Alfred? But you've been dead fifteen years.

Alfred: Frankly my dear... I don't give a damn

Gertude: Shhh! It's a PG movie!

Alfred: You think they noticed?

* * *

Victoria: Oh stuff my parents, they're horrible! Come on, let's elope we'll take some of your parent's money and start a new life elsewhere!

* * *

Barkis: Emily? I... left you.

Emily: for dead.

Barkis: gasps Oh! I see it all now!! Oh lord what a horrible person I am! Please please forgive me I'll turn myself in to the constable right away!

* * *

Victor: " Victoria. Wait you don't understand. She's dead. Look!"

Victoria: "Hey! I can see that she's dead. She held out that bare-bone arm of hers. So you don't have to wave it around to prove an already obvious point!"

* * *

Finis: (to Nell) You're fat.

Nell: Yeah? So are you.

* * *

Paul: "My name is Paul. I am the Head Waiter."

Victor: "Oh great! Another decapitation to inspect."

Emily: "Wasn't that Ichabod Crane?"

Victor: "Oh. Sorry. I was having a bit of an identity crisis." 


	2. Chapter 2

Emily: "Victor! Where are you?"

Maggot: "How is it that you know his name when he never even told you?"

Emily: "Don't look at me. I didn't write the script."

(Someone came up with the theory about her hearing the Town Crier. But I'm still having fun.)

* * *

Galswells: Have you remembered to bring the ring?

Victor: Oh. It's being taken to Mount Doom.

Galswells; NOT THE ONE RING, YOU IDIOT!!! THE WEDDING RING!

Victor: Sorry. You just sounded familiar. That's all.

Galswells: I hate being typecast.

* * *

Victor: (shakes corpse) There's been a misunderstanding! I'm not dead! (grabs a microphone out of nowhere) I am not dead yet! I can dance and I can sing! I am not dead yet! I can do the Highland Fling!

* * *

PASTOR GALSWELLS: "Three steps! Three! Can you not count?! Must I hold your hand?!

VICTOR VAN DORT: In other news, I wet myself!

PASTOR GALSWELLS: Uhhh... This is what I'd like to call an awkward moment.

* * *

Bonejangles: Give me a listen, you corpses of cheer--

Victor: OMG!!!111 It's Jack Skellington!!!111

Bonejangles: ...I don't get paid enough to do this job.

* * *

When Victor first ends up in the Land of the Dead...

Victor: starts singing I love you. You love me. We're one big happy family! And a--

Dead Peoples: NO! MAKE IT STOP!

Emily: SCREW THIS! I divorce him!

* * *

Bonejangles: singing From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand--

Victor: OMG!!!111 Sing "Nasty Habits" instead!!!!111

Bonejangles: Maybe I should lay off the Oingo Boingo songs...

* * *

Bonejangles: singing I-I love little girls, they make me feel so good!

Little girl skeleton: RUN AWAY!

Bonejangles: ...Seriously, I should stop singing Oingo Boingo songs.

* * *

Maggot: A brain. I am a brain for my mistress.

* * *

Victor: Don't you understand? YOU'RE the other woman. I would never marry you. (Pause.)I'm sorry, was that out loud?

* * *

(Victor's climbing the vines to Victoria's window.)

(Midway up, he falls off.)

Victor: Ow! (Looks up) Aw, beep Not again . . .

* * *

Gutkneckt: If anyone has any objections as to why these two people should NOT be together, speak now.

Victor (Having second thoughts): I do.

Emily( elbows him in his ribs) Shut up! No you don't.

* * *

Paul: I am the 'head' waiter.

Victor: ANOTHER decapitation?!

Paul: What?

Victor: Whoa! I was having an out-of-movie experience!

* * *

VICTOR VAN DORT: to Victoria You don't understand. She's dead! Look!

starts waving her hand around

VICTOR VAN DORT: in a fake deep voice Hiya, fellas! To infinity! And beyond! Hey, uh, gimme a hug!

puts her arm on his back.

VICTOR VAN DORT: in a fake deep voice Ho ho! Uh, I love you too, buddy!

VICTORIA EVERGLOTT: I miss competance!


	3. Chapter 3

Emily: Victor... Victor, where are you?

Victor: Oh great, I'm being chased by Charlie's mom!

* * *

Bonejangles: Gimme a listen, you--

Victor: OMG!!!111 Sing the Oompa Loompa songs from the Tim Burton version!!!111

Bonejangles: ...Look, can I ACTUALLY sing one song without you screwing it up, man?

Victor: No.

Bonejangles: ...I quit.

* * *

Gertrude(to Alfred, her Rhett Butler skeleton husband): BONE me!

* * *

Victor(After realizing he's in the Land of the Dead): Hey, does anyone know Beetlejuce?

* * *

Emily(Singing): I get wings to fly, oh-oh I'm ali- Oh, wait a minute . .

* * *

BONEJANGLES: (starts singing) Give me a listen, you corpses of cheer...

(Victor hops on stage and starts singing)

VICTOR: I'm a goofy goober, YEAH! You're a goofy goober, YEAH! We are goofy goobers, YEAH! Goofy, goofy, goofy,goofy, YEAH!

CORPSE:(to Emily) He's your husband?

EMILY: (lying) Uh...no. We just have the same last names.

SPONGEBOB and PATRICK: WHOO! YEAH! GO VICTOR!

BONEJANGLES: Thats it. I quit!

* * *

On the scene in Victoria's room when Emily arrives on the balcony:

Victor: "Oh NO! The Missus!"

Emily: (intrat) "Darling, I just wanted to meet - oh! seizing Victor's arm Darling, who's this?"

Victor: "This is my mother, mother this is Emily."

* * *

Maggot and Spider to Emily: "Has Van Dort actually seen you without makeup?"

* * *

Emily: "You lied to me! Just to get back to that - other woman!"

Victor: "If you want loyalty you get yourself a spaniel."

* * *

Emily: "Tell me Victor, what is positive about infanticide?"

Victor: "shrieks It's easy?"

Emily: "Yes... it is easy."

* * *

Victor: "I have the hots for your mother Victoria!"

* * *

( Victoria and Emily fight over Victor)

EMILY: Victor loves me more!

VICTORIA: No, he's loved me ever since day one!

EMILY: UH UH!

VICTORIA: UH HUH!

EMILY: UH UH!

VICTORIA: UH HUH!

( They continue fighting and Victor enters.)

VICTOR: No, you're both wrong! I have the hots for Ms. Plum!

MS.PLUM: Damn right! I'm getting hitched tonight!

* * *

VICTOR: ( Starts singing) I'm in love with a stripper!

BONE BOYZ: She's poppin, she's rollin...

EMILY: ( Gasps) Victoria! I guess you won.

VICTORIA: That's not me!

( They look Ms. Plum)

MS. PLUM: I've had many jobs in my time.


	4. Chapter 4

( Victor gets on stage dressed as a rapper)

VICTOR: (sings)I'm gonna take you to the candy shop...

* * *

Victor: No Victoria wait ,you dont understand . . . she's dead . . . look

Emily: beep you!

Victor: uh...no. necrophelia baby! i'm not into that!

* * *

Nell Van Dort: It's not me its my dress that's caught!

William Van Dort: Not its not! Dont even lie! it's your fat beep that's caught woman! belive me, i know. . ."

* * *

VICTOR VAN DORT: Tomorrow, we are to be... mmmm... mmmm...

VICTORIA EVERGLOT: Parents?

VICTOR VAN DORT: Wrong movie, stupid!

* * *

( Sees Victor and Victoria alone)

MAUDELINE EVERGLOTT: What is this?!?!?!?! You two shouldnt be alone together!

VICTORIA: Then how do you expect any grandkids?

( Pause)

MAUDELINE EVERGLOTT: Okay, you get SOME alone time.

* * *

The scene on the bridge, the only time when Victor and the Corpse Bride kiss

Victor: "I've just been molested by Tutankhamun's horny granny! Ugh the taste! I'm going to wash out my mouth with toilet duck!"

* * *

Victor: And with this hand, I will-

Emily comes out of nowhere, and finishes for him.

Emily: CUP MY CHESTICLES!!!

* * *

Town Crier thinking while watching Emily kiss Victor on the bridge:

"He's seriously going to need a lot of mouthwash after kissing those lips."

* * *

Emily on top of stairs seeing Victor climb up.

Emily: Ooh, I can only pick him up with my right hand which is skeletal now. Let's see. I know. (Tightens screw in her joints.) There. That ought to do the trick.

* * *

Crier: Victor Van Dort elopes with corpse

William: Did he say corpse?

Nell: Oh beep Not again! He just divorced that last one!

* * *

( Bonejangles gets done singing "Remains of the Day". It's set up like American Idol.)

RANDY: You were pretty good, dawg!

PAULA: Loved it!

SIMON: Dreadful, absolutely dreadful!

* * *

VICTORIA: Victor, I feel the same!

( About to kiss)

VICTORIA: Hold on.( pulls out lipstick) Alright, good.

( About to kiss again)

VICTORIA: Hold on again!

VICTOR: What now???

( Victoria pulls out condoms)

VICTOR: Hey, those are for the honeymoon!

VICTORIA: Ah, hell. It's close enough!

* * *

Emily- Ahem, Victor?

Victor- What?

Emily-do you think its time to uhhh . .. consummate the marriage?

Victor- WHAT?

Emily- (lifts her skirt)

Victor: OH MY GOD! (Gags)

Emily- Maggots! Ha Ha Ha! Yeah . . . lotsa maggots. (points to her eye) He has extended family. 


	5. Chapter 5

( Finis stares at Victor)

FINIS: Uh, he's quite skinny.

WILLIAM: He takes those Atkin diets pretty seriously. ( wispers) I think Nell needs to start soon.

NELL: I heard that!

MAUDELINE: ( whipers to Nell) You arn't alone. Finis needs to get started and get stilts. But nooooooooo!

* * *

Johnny Depp: Burton, I think I've sold my soul. How do I get it back?

Burton: You don't. You might as well go all the way with it. Go make a sequel to Pirates. Go make The Libertine.

Johnny Depp: Yes... yes...

Burton: Nothing can stop you. You are a warrior. You are a God. You are MY creation! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

(In walks Sam Jackson, wielding lightsaber)

Sam: Not so fast, Tim Burton.

Burton: Bollocks!

(Sam slices Tim Burton open, all of the unoriginal ideas pour out of him, melting the floor. Sam points his sword at JD)

Johnny Depp: Come on, man! Have mercy!

Sam Jackson: I want these beep snakes off the beep plane.

(Sam cuts his head off and pisses on it)

* * *

(When Victor turns around to look at his parents/future in laws when he tries to light the candle)

Victors mother- My poor, poor son! He's making himself seem like an idiot!

Victoria's parents- You... Butthead.

* * *

Maggot- Your new boyfriend is... Kinda jumpy. Kinda like the kids that you stole lunch money from._

* * *

(when Victor puts the ring on the corpse's finger, Emily doesn't emerge...)_

**LADY VAN TASSEL:** Thank God! I've been stuck in there for years! My boyfriend should be out shortly.

_(At that moment, the Headless Horseman gallops out towards the village.)_

**VICTOR:** Oh, bullocks! Not again!

_(He runs behind a tree. He reappears on a horse in Ichabod Crane attire and gallops after the Headless Horseman.)_

_

* * *

(at the wedding rehearsal...)_

**PASTOR GALSWELLS:** Constable Crane! This is a song that we have heard from you more than once!

**VICTOR:** Who? What?

**PASTOR GALSWELLS:** Sorry. Just a previous life experience resurfacing again. Now, the Ring of Power has been found?

**VICTOR:** Um...you could say that. _(he produces the wedding ring from his pocket.)_

**PASTOR GALSWELLS:** Finally!

_(He grabs the ring and runs out of the mansion, only to be blasted into the wall by Gandalf.)_

_

* * *

(trying to hide from Emily, Victor hides behind a tombstone in a graveyard. He hears singing in the distance...)_

**VOICE:** Oh, somewhere deep inside of these bones / An emptiness began to grow...

_(He looks over and sees Jack Skellington on top of the hill in front of the moon. Just then Emily appears.)_

**EMILY:** Don't mind him. He does this every year.

* * *

EMILY: Victor, we need to talk.

VICTOR: ( Crying) NONONONONONONO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DONT WANNA LEAVE YOU!!!! I'VE ACCEPTED WHO U ARE AND LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!

( Emily stares at him confused.)

EMILY: I was just going to say ( wispers) XYZ!

( Victor is embarresed in front of all the corpses)

Victor: Oh. ( examines his zipper.)

EMILY: But, since U mentioned that...

( Jack walks in)

VICTOR: Who's this?

EMILY: Jack Skellington. We're all getting married. Pack your bags, we're moving to Utah! And bring Victoria!

( They all head out to Utah.)

Sally: Wait for me! ( Her leg breaks.) Damn! Not again!!!


	6. Chapter 6

GALLSWELLS: Did you remember to bring the ring?

VICTOR: Yes. ( pulls out ring and Gallswells snatches it)

GALLSWELLS: My precious...

VICTORIA: The LOTR trilogy is done!

GALLSWELLS: Aww...

* * *

( After Emily and Victor are married and is in their new home)

EMILY: Finally married!

VICTOR: ( sighs) I know.

EMILY: Now that we got the house to ourselves... now we can do whatever we want... are you thinking what I'm thinking?

VICTOR: Oh yeah! ( Emily leans to make out. Doorbell) PIZZA!

( Answers door)

PIZZAMAN: Here's your pizza

VICTOR: ( Whimpering) I, I, I, I, I love you!

EMILY: WHAT!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!?!

( Attacks pizza man with ty quan do tecniques. Victor watches, eating pizza.)

EMILY: ...AND NEVER MESS WITH MY VICTOR AGAIN!!!!! ( Slams door) Well, now I'll consule myself now.

( Grabs for pizza and finds nothing.)

VICTOR: Uh, I can explain.

* * *

At the beginning singing According To Plan)

NELL: It's a beautiful day

WILLIAM: It's a rather nice day

NELL: A day for a glorious wedding

WILLIAM: A rehersal my dear, to be perfectly clear... for the millionth time!! Are you in any way related to Dory the fish?

NELL: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming. What do you do we swim, swim swim!!!

* * *

( Victor, BJ and Bone Boyz are playing American Reject's " Dirty Little Secret"

VICTOR: I'll tell you my dirty little secret...

CORPSE: I don't wanna know...

* * *

Victor: This movie blows, and I can't believe I'm being voiced by the incomparibly shallow Johnny Depp. Too bad for me. Too bad for Emily Watson- she's actually good. It's a shame she made it into this piece of sht.

* * *

Maudeline Everglot:I left Ab-Fab for this movie!

* * *

EMILY: Victor darling, where are you?

( Victor closes eyes)

VICTOR: She'll never find me!

* * *

Victor (seeing the black widow): Dah! A spider! Hold still little spider: I need to squish you.

Black widow (looks up at him): How rude!

Victor: Yeah, I know it sounds mean, but it's part of my job.

* * *

Victor (sees spider & jumps on a nearby bench): A spider! Kill it! Restrain it! Meditate it! Something!

Spider: And I thought Ichabod Crane was bad . . .


	7. Chapter 7

BLACK WIDOWS: Hold on Victor. You can't get married looking like that!( whistles for black widows)

BLACK WIDOWS: ( Starts sewing Victor's coat) Us spiders think you're very cute...

VICTOR: AHHHHH!!!!!!!!! FLIRTY SPIDERS! FLIRTY SPIDERS ON ME!!!! GET THEM OFF!!!!!

* * *

(When Victor first lands in the Land of the Dead)

Bonejangles (starts singing): Be our guest, be our guest! Put our service to the test--

Victor: ...That's not even a DANNY ELFMAN song.

Bonejangles: Can't I do SOMETHING different once in a while?!

Victor. No.

Corpse Bride: Psst, I'm not Paige O'Hara!

* * *

BJ: ...And that's the story of our corpse bride!

( Jumps into the crowd but no one catches him. He's now a pile of bones.)

BJ: HEY!

* * *

( Starts singing Remains of the Day.)

BJ: Hey! Give me a listen, you corpses of cheer...

( American Idol theme blats out of nowhere. Ryan Seacrest comes in.)

VICTOR: OMG! Ryan Seacrest! You're on American Idol!!!!!

RYAN: Yep. And we're doing it here.

BJ: But I was just gonna do a song!

RYAN:( To Randy, Paula and Simon) Can we?

RANDY: Why not? Shakira was on last night.

VICTOR: My hips don't lie...

RYAN: Lets hear it for BJ and his Bone Boys!!!

( They sing Remains of the Day.Crowd goes wild when they're done.)

VICTOR: And seeing American Idol in real audience perspective? Awesome! But why did you decide to do it here?

RANDY: Only God knows. We just decided here for the heck of it.

VICTOR: But that's cool.( Out of nowhere grabs cowboy hat) Country night!!! Save a horse, ride a cowboy!!!

EMILY: Such a nice way to spend our honeymoon!

VICTOR: Wha--?!?!? Oh, yeah.

* * *

(Victor and Victoria about to kiss and victor sees emily climbing up!)

Victor: oh, crap!

Victoria: What's wrong?

Victor: uuuuuuhhhhhhhhh...I'm mad because we have to wait so long for our wedding.

* * *

Barkis: Oh...how touching...I always cry when I touch myself!!!

* * *

Emily: It's my eye, isn't it?

Victor: No, your eye is...lovely.

Emily: I know it is.

* * *

Barkis: Sorry to cut things short but we must be on our way!

Dead Person: Can you get me a donut?

Bonejangles: And some flapjacks?

* * *

Barkis: Quiet time everyone. Mmmhm. Elegant. Cultured. Radiant. Sexy. Beautiful. Intelligent. Perfect. Flawless. Intersting, Genero-

Guests: ALRIGHT ALREADY!!!

* * *

Victor: But I don't even know your name.

Maggot: That's a good way to start a relation.

Emily: SHUT UP. It's Emily.

Victor: Hey, what's the smell?

Maggot: Your mom.

Victor: (sniffing) You're right.


	8. Chapter 8

Victoria: Mother, I see dead people.

* * *

( When spiders are sewing up Victor's coat)

SPIDERS: Lovely lovely lovely...( spiders crawling on Victor)

VICTOR: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... Hey! Now you're going to personal spots!

* * *

Pastor Galswells: Be gone ye demons from hell! Back to the void whence you came! Back, Back! (whips out a lightsaber) Whoa, get back in there.

* * *

Finis: We shall continued as planned, with or without Vincent.

Maudline: Victor.

Finis: Whatever. The boy is an idiot.

Maudline: He's a retard.

Finis: He needs to eat more so he'll grow up like me.

Maudline: Oh shush Finish, you can barely fit through the doorway.

* * *

Barkis: For that boy to toss away a girl like Victoria, why, it's positively criminal. If I had a woman like your daughter I would lavish her with riches befitting royalty! (his hair falls off) Damn, I gotta keep that thing on!

* * *

Finis: Is he from your side of the family?

Maudline: I can't recall. Emil, a seat for lord Barkis. (Barkis sits but Emil pulls his chair)

Barkis: YOU IDIOT! WHAT THE MOTHERF----R WAS THAT FOR YOU F----ING SONOFAB--CH WHO SUCKS YOUR MOMMY'S T-TS YOU ROTTEN A--HOLE SH-TTY SUCKIN' F--CKERMOTHER!!!!!!

Pastor Galswells: ...Let's just pick it up at the candle bit...

* * *

CORPSE BRIDE: Victor darling! Whould you be so kind as to make me a sandwich?

VICTOR VAN DORT: Make your own freakin' sandwich!

* * *

(_After Barkis drinks the poisonous rum and is trapped in that one room by the corpses_)

VICTOR VAN DORT: (_long pause_) Hey! Why's all the rum gone?!

VICTORIA EVERGLOT: (_ignoring Victor's amazingly stupid question_) Well, now that Barkis is gone we can all live happily ever after!

VICTOR VAN DORT: Yeah, but... why's all the rum gone?!

CORPSE BRIDE: Here's a hint, stupid: THIS ISN'T PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN WORLD!!!! THERE NEVER WAS ANY RUM!!!! GEEZ!!!! ARE YOU STUPID, UGLY, _AND_ COLORBLIND?!?!

VICTOR VAN DORT: (_very long pause_) Why's all the rum gone?!

CORPSE BRIDE: I want a divorce. Now.

* * *

Town Crier: Hear ye! Hear ye! Victor Van Dort seen last night on the bridge in the hands of a mystery woman and they sneak away into the night!!!! In other news, the monkey's escaped the zoo so watch your-AAAHHHH(jumped by monkey's)

* * *

Victor: You don't have to. I'll do it. (Victor suddenly falls dead)

Emily: What! Victor, Victor, are you dead?

Victor: Yes actually.

Emily: What happened, did you have a heart attack!?

Victor: No, dear no. I believe Mrs. Plum farted.

* * *

Pastor Galswells: (sees the dead people torturing Barkis) What are you all doing in my room?!!!


	9. Chapter 9

(butterfly is flying around Barkis's face)

Barkis: Grrr! (pulls out tommy gunn and shoots at the butterfly)

* * *

Barkis: (his evil laugh moment)Hahahahahahahahahaha(portrait falls on him)

Barkis: Damn it!!!! Ruined my evil moment!!!!!!

* * *

Barkis: The poorhouse!!!

Victoria: Did things not go according to your plan lord Barkis?!

Barkis: No! First off, the cake was too small! Second, how did your father's chicken turn into soup! And to make things worse, that Van Dort boy posted pics of me and Emily on the internet doing it Corpse style!!!

Victoria: Who is Emily??

* * *

Victor: Take your hands off of her! (he puts up his own hands and sees that they are scissors)

Victor: Oh! Good gracious!

* * *

( Hildegaude carries out cake)

WEDDING PEOPLE:...

VICTORIA: We had a budget. It was either this or the cupcake to split with everyone

* * *

Victor: (See's spider and jumps on chair) EEEEEEEEE A SPIDER! (picks Nell up and throws her at the spider)

Nell: VICTOR! HOW RUDE! I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF MY CHICKEN WINGS AND EVERYTHING

Victor: (eating chicken) I confess.. there was no spider...

* * *

Emily turns into butterflies

Victor: Holy SHT!!!

Victoria: I had a erection.

Victor: You're a gir... Wait (takes off wig) You homo Emily wait up. Damnit! Oh yeah. Jason,Freddy,Chucky can you kill me!

Victor dies.

Victor finds what he thinks is emily.

Victor: Hey, Emily!

Guy: Emily, No I'm Benny Hill!

Benny Hill music plays

Victor: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* * *

Victor hides behind grave and hears voice.

voice: 1,2 Victoria's cummin' for Victor.

Victor: Homo!

* * *

FINIS: We'll do the wedding, with or without Vincent.

MAUDELINE: You retard! Vincent is the dilusional 7 year old Vincent Price wannabe and Victor's this 19 year old klutzy cheating shy dude! Get it right God dammit!!!!!

* * *

Barkis: I haven't a head for dates. Apparently I'm a day early for the ceremony.

Pastor Galswells: You haven't a head for my ego! Now you better pick up your scrawny arse and get out of my site, I don't want newcomers interrupting my daily routine motherf---er!

Barkis: I'm going, I'm going! (has an emotional breakdown)

* * *

(After Emily and Victor are married and is in their new home)

EMILY: Finally married!

VICTOR: ( sighs) I know.

EMILY: Now that we got the house to ourselves... now we can do whatever we want... are you thinking what I'm thinking?

VICTOR: Oh yeah! ( Emily leans to make out. Doorbell) PIZZA!

( Answers door)

PIZZAMAN: Here's your pizza

VICTOR: ( Whimpering) I, I, I, I, I love you!

EMILY: WHAT!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!?!

( Attacks pizza man with ty quan do tecniques. Victor watches, eating pizza.)

EMILY: ...AND NEVER MESS WITH MY VICTOR AGAIN!!!!! ( Slams door) Well, now I'll console myself now.

( Grabs for pizza and finds nothing.)

VICTOR: Uh, I can explain. 


	10. Chapter 10

BARKIS: I haven't a head for dates. Apparently I'm a day early for the ceremony.

VICTOR:( Coughs) More like a month early!

* * *

( When hearing about the poison)

EMILY: I'll never ask him!

( Victor comes in)

VICTOR: You don't have to- I'll do it.

( Emily takes off Victor's tie and gives horny look)

VICTOR: Not that it! Maybe on the honeymoon, though.

* * *

( Hildegaude carries out tiny cake. Everyone gets up and leaves.)

GUEST: Screw this! We'll just go to Victor and Emily's wedding.

VICTORIA: Wha-??!?!

GUEST: I guess you get news slowly. Victor and Emily are having a wedding with a monster cake and a kick a$$ band!

VICTORIA: Victor?

GUEST: Van Dort.

( All guests leave.)

VICTORIA: VICTOR!!! THE CHEATER!!!!!

* * *

( At the end when Emily turns into butterflies and goes to Heaven)

VICTOR: Ooh! The end! There will be a blackout and you know what happens!

VICTORIA: Oh, yeah!

( Blackout. Then it's the scene again and you see Victor and Victoria making out.)

VICTOR: A little privacy here!

* * *

EMILY: It's my eye isn't it?

VICTOR: No no, your eye is...lovely.

EMILY: Then...oh I see, it's because I'm blue, isn't it!

* * *

Victor: Dear people of the world: I, Willy Wonka, have decided to allow 5 lucky children into my factory.

Emily: Victor, dear, THIS ISN'T CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY! AND GET RID OF THAT STUPID HAT!

Victor: I'm sorry, I can't hear you when you mumble.

* * *

( Victor is opening up the wedding present and pulls out a bone)

VICTOR: Is this some kind of pun?

EMILY: May-be.

( Victor runs away, escared.)

EMILY: Dammit! It's always the bone part that made the last 20 men including Victor run away! I don't know why they would'nt want it. I mean, I'm super attractive.

( Mirror breaks out of nowhere.)

EMILY: Shut up you Goddamed mirror! No one asked you!

* * *

Barkis: Do call if you need my assitance...for anything. (he closes the two doors and then they fall on him)

Barkis: Damn it! That's the third time mother------!

Tim Burton: Sorry Barkey. Hey Bob, can you get some new hinges on those things.

* * *

Victoria: (spying on the wedding) Victor!

Skeleton: Shhhh!

(Victoria stays in the back and then Victor drinks the poison and dies. Then him and Emily kiss)

Victoria: That cheater!!!! He's a playa! (she storms out off church and bumps into Barkis)

Barkis: Oops sorry, where are you off to?

Victoria: Do you believe in the nobility of suicide?

Barkis: Oh, sorry I asked. (he goes into the church and realizes his bride just left)

Barkis: God flam it!


	11. Chapter 11

Victoria: He's married to a corpse!

Pastor Galswells: Hmm...the power of the dark side runs through his veins...perhaps Master Sidious will...

Victoria: What was that?

Pastor Galswells: Nothing. I believe I know the thing to do.

* * *

( Victor overhearing Emily and Ms Plum talking)

EMILY: Victor just left without saying a word. Are all men like this?

MS PLUM: Emily, it's time to learn the truth about men.

EMILY: I had the pamphlet in 8th grade.

MS PLUM: Then I'll skip to the talk.( pulls out hot dog and doughnut) The doughnut is the woman and the hot dog is the man.

EMILY: I don't get it.

MS PLUM: Let me explain...

EMILY: Okay, I get it!

* * *

( Victor playing piano when at Victoria's. All of a sudden starts playing the "Phantom of the Opera" theme and out of nowhere is dressed like the phantom. Victoria comes out and sees Victor.)

VICTORIA: ( To herself) OMG! The phantom! How hot!

( Goes over to Victor and takes off half mask off Victor)

VICTOR: Damn you! Curse you...

* * *

(the battle between Barkis and Victor)

Galswell: Victor! Catch!

(Throws him Count Dooku's lightsaber)

Victor: What the...?

Galswell: Er, that's mine. I've gotta return that prop to Mr. Lucas!

* * *

BJ: Die, die, we all pass away! Don't wear a frown, cause it's really okay!

Simon: Stop! That was absolutely awful! Catchy tune, just... creepy. You sound like the soundtrack to The Nightmare Before Christmas!

BJ: Oookay... Can someone beat the Aussie shi# out of this motherboner?

* * *

( Trying to get Nell into the buggy.)

WILL: Here! Eat this! ( Throws Nell an Atkin diet bar but it accidentally gets in Victor's mouth aned he then is skelliton skinny.)

WILL:( Pulls out another bar.) Here Nell! ( The bar lands into her mouth, but she gets fatter. William finally reads the wrapper.)

WILL: Caltein Bar?

( Regina comes in, mad)

REGINA: WHAT THE HELL ARE YA DOIN' STEALIN' MY DIET BARS?!?!?!? I'M GONNA PUT YA IN THE BURN BOOK NOW!!!( To herself) Diet bar stealin' bitch. Yep.

* * *

**Maudeline Everglot**: (_singing_)Eggs and bacon are a simple twit. Respective love might have taught her that! Might have taught her thaaat.

**Finnis Everglot**: What?

**Maudeline Everglot**: Uuuuuhhh, forget that I said that, OK?

* * *

**Finnis Everglot**: We'll continue as planned. We'll proceed without Vincent.

**Maudeline Everglot**: Who?

**Finnis Everglot**: Vincent! V-I-N-C-E-N-T! Got it memorized?

**Maudeline Everglot**: What?

**Finnis Everglot**: I hate you, Maudie


	12. Chapter 12

(You have to have seen "Margaret's Museum" with Helena Bonham Carter to get this one folks!)

Emily- You may kiss the bride! (kisses victor on the bridge)

Victor- Yeah huh, one moment she's kissing me the next she's gonig to be puttting my man parts in pickle jars to display in a freaky museum full of body parts!

Emily- No love. After I died that museum was shut down. It's now a McDonalds!

* * *

(Victor's hand is pulled in the groungd and finally gets it back and Emily's arm is on his arm.) 

EMILY: WWHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

VICTOR: wow.

(Emily comes out of the ground sniffling)

EMILY: I cannot take this anymore! You keep pulling my arm off and it hurts!

VICTOR: But it's in the script...

EMILY: SCREW THE DAMN SCRIPT! TIM!

TIM: Yep?

EMILY: CAN WE SKIP THE ARM PULLING OFF PART?

TIM: Uh, no. It looks more realistic. But we could...

EMILY: I QUIT!!! (Grabs her arm and leaves and notices the the donut boy with the doughnuts. She takes the Krispy Kream bow with doughnuts) I'LL take that and get otta here!

( Door slams shut)

TIM: I was actually gonna suggust using a fake hand, but whatever, her loss.

* * *

(Victor and Victoria eating their first dinner as a married couple)

Victor:...Ok, can I leave the table now?

Victoria: No. Not until I finish, it's courteous.

Victor: It's taken you 2 hours to eat a bowl of soup!

Victoria: Oh, come on, you INHALE your food!

Victor: I grew up with MY MOTHER! Have you seen her? If you didn't eat fast, you didn't eat!

* * *

(After Emily and Victor come back from Victoria's house) 

Emily: And I thought, I thought this was all going so well!!!

(starts crying, her eye popps out)

(victor picks it up)

Victor: Look, I'm sorry. But there's no need to cry your eye out.

* * *

Bonejangles: And now, introducing: JACK SKELLINGTON!! applause

Jack: sing Sally's Song, I think _My dearest friend, if you don't mind...I'd like to join you by your side...where we can gaze upon the stars..._

Emily: Oh my, I think I'm love!

Victor: Umm, Emily, aren't we married? Emily?

Jack and Emily: sing together _And sit together. Now and forever. For it is plain, as anyone can see, we're simply meant to be._ they kiss, just like the last scene in Nightmare Before Christmas

Jack: ...

Bonejangles: Hey, cheer up man. I'm available!

Jack: OO!!!

* * *

(When Emily and Victor arrive at Elder's)

EMILY: Can you get us to the Land of the Living?

ELDER: Why go up there when they're dying to get down here? And it's unnatural.

EMILY: In other words, you can't do it?

ELDER: I most certainly can! I've even made a love potion, the ninth one to be exact (cue music) for Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey to be together and so far, it's fine.

(Jessica Simpson comes in looking pissed)

VICTOR: (Looking at JS dreamly) Oooh... she's hot...

EMILY: WHAT?!?!?!

VICTOR: nothing

JESSICA: YOU TOTTALY GYPPED ME YOU MOTHERFU SKELETON!!!!

ELDER: ...

EMILY: Screw this! Victor! Get those spoons! We'll just dig!

VICTOR: ( Looking at JS) No, I'll stay here... I'm fine here...

EMILY: NOW!!!!!

VICTOR: Coming!(To JS) So, tonight?

JESSICA: Get a life.

(When JS turns around, Victor gives her finger)


	13. Chapter 13

( Everyone running from the dead people screaming)

MAUDELINE: Hey, why are you running and screaming? It's not as scary as Finis in a speedo. Yep. I remember.

( Flashback of Maudeline and Finis at the beach)

MAUDELINE: Finis, go into he stalls and change

FINIS: Kay.( Gets changed and comes out in a Speedo.)

MAUDELINE: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! ( Runs away screaming)

* * *

**Victor Van Dort**: (_with an afro, sunglasses, and gold galore_)

_Yo, I'm Victor Van Dort! _

_My attention span is short! _

_Better have a passport, _

_or I'm seeing you in court!_

**Corpse Bride**: (_wearing black leather and dreadlocks_)

_Yo, I'm the Corpse Bride! _

_A long time ago, I died! _

_That stupid Victor lied, _

_so I'm takin' him for a joyride! _

_(wink wink, nudge nudge, poke poke)_

**Finnis Everglot**: (_wearing a cornrow hairdo, a pair of sunglasses with a lens missing, and a pink boa. He's also smoking a cigar._)

_Yo, I'm Finnis Everglot! _

_Have you seen my yacht? _

_I'd like to boycott _

_fish abuse and whatnot._

**Victor Van Dort**:

_Let's kick it back in mah crib!_

**Finnis Everglot**:

_I like the cut of your jib!_

**Corpse Bride**:

_I'd oughta kick you in the rib!_

**Victor, Corpse, and Finnis**:

_We all like to wear bibs! Yooooo..._

**Victoria Everglot**:

Good... God. Never... sing... AGAIN!!!

**Victor Van Dort**:

Screw you!

* * *

CORPSE:( To Emily) I dare ya to kiss General Boneapart.

EMILY: EEEEWWWW! No way!

CORPSE: Chicken.

EMILY: Fine.( Kisses General Boneapart)

CORPSES: I can't believe she kissed Boneapart!

EMILY: I can't believe I kissed him!

VICTOR: ( With butter tub) And I can't believe it's not butter!

* * *

VICTOR: I would never marry you!

EMILY: Fine.( Jack comes in and starts making out)

VICTOR: What the hell is this?

EMILY: We always do this.

VICTOR: You have affairs with Jack?

EMILY: Yep. Now Victor, Elder, you're ruining the moment. Please leave.( Start making out again)

* * *

BOY SKELETON: I want a cookie.

EMILY: Well... SO DO I!!!!

* * *

Victor: But I don't even know your name.

Emily: It's Emily.

Victor: How did you die?

Emily: Oh, I was killed somehow. Smashed to the head and then buried alive, I died by suffocation and bleeding to the head.

Victor: May I examine your wounds? (he sees her nasty wounds)

Victor: Ugh!!

Emily: What is it?!

Victor: Your head is missing some bone and there is partially dinewed fleshy tissue remaining. We are dealing with a madman!

(in the Land of the Living, Barkis is in his guest room playing with bunny carcasses)

Barkis: Hehehehe, I like bunnies! 


	14. Chapter 14

(Victor's at home. He hears the doorbell)

VICTOR: I'll get it.

(Gets door and sees Lock, Shock and Barrel)

LOCK, SHOCK, BARREL: Trick or treat!

VICTOR: What the hell...

(Victor gets knocked out. Wakes up in Halloween Town.)

JACK: Why, hello Santa!

VICTOR: Wha-? I'm not Santa!

JACK: You most certainly are! You're, wait a minute! You're skinny, don't have any old features and to top it all off, no red suit! KIDS!

LOCK, SHOCK, BARREL: Yep?

JACK: Take this dude back. He's clearly NOT Santa! Santa's fat and has a red suit. GET IT RIGHT!

LOCK, SHOCK, BARREL: Okay! ( Getting back to Victor's house) Sorry.

VICTOR: It's cool. I got into another world not too long ago.

(Lock, Shock and Barrel leave and look into the Everglot's windows and sees Finis in a red suit)

FINIS: How do I look?

MAUDELINE: Outfits fit people's personalities. It looks stupid, perfect choice!

(Doorbell)

MAUDELINE: Finis, get it.

(Finis gets door)

LOCK, SHOCK, BARREL: Trick or treat!

FINIS: ...

(Gets captured, blah blah blah...)

* * *

EMILY: You!

BARKIS: Emily?

EMILY: YOU!

BARKIS: But, I left you.

EMILY: For dead

DEAD PEOPLE: Oh my God, he killed Emily!

VICTOR, VICTORIA: You bastard!

* * *

FINIS: (Singing, sees Nell) I like big butts and I cannot lie!

MAUDELINE: (Wacks Finis with a stick) Finis! You perverted cheater!

WILLIAM: That's OUR theme song!

* * *

EMILY: It's my eye, isn't it?

VICTOR: No. Your eye is... lovely (Nose grows.)

EMILY: You little liar!!!

* * *

"Victor: cracks knuckles takes a deep breath Here we go! A one, and a two, and a three...!

(Starts playing "Hot Cross Buns")"

* * *

Victor, upon waking up in The Land Of The Dead:

"Did I die and go to Smurf heaven?"

* * *

VICTORIA: Music is improper for young lady. Too passionate Mother says.

VICTOR: You haven't been visited by the Angel of Music is all.

( Victoria's in her room.)

VOICE: I am your angel of music... come to the angel of music...

VICTORIA: Are you my Angel of Music?

PHANTOM: Yep. Now, come to the angel of music... I am your angel of music...

VICTOR: Who the hell is that?

PHANTOM: The angel of music!

VICTOR: Oh. God. Now he's gonna give her the Christine Daae treatment. 


	15. Chapter 15

Victor: Tommorow we are to be m….mmm…mmmmm.

Victoria: moved?

Victor: What no! m…..mmmm………

Victoria: Melted?

Victor: noooo! You know what I mean mmmm…mmmm.

Victoria: Mango's?

Victor: No

Victoria: Manipulated

Victoria: What the hell are you on about?

Victoria: (quietly thinking) erm…. Marooned?

Victor: Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!! Not again. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh (runs out screaming)

Victoria: Oh Married! That's it! Damn those drugs.

* * *

Barkis Bittern: Can a heart still break after it's stopped beating?

Emily: Technically no but it feels like it is.

Barkis: (stares and blinks slowly) That's what i meant stupid. Why did i marry you?

Emily: You didn't.

Barkis: I can see why.

* * *

Victoria Everglot: What if Victor and I don't like each other?

Maudeline Everglot: Hmpf! As if that has anything to do with marriage. Do you suppose your father and I like each other?

Victoria Everglot: Surely you must, a little.

Maudeline Everglot, Finnis Everglot: Maybe just in bed

Maudeline Everglot:But your father keeps leaving crums when he's eating crackers in bed.

Finnis Everglot: And your mother is hard to please because...

Victoria Everglot: O.K to much information. Daughter in the room guys.

* * *

(Victor painting the butterfly)

VINCENT PRICE: Vincent Malloy is 7 years old...

VICTOR: WHO'S THAT? I'm not Vincent Malloy! And I'm not 7 either! More like 20!

VINCENT: Um, who's alway's polite and does what he's told...

VICTOR: Yeah right. Now get out of here!

VINCENT: For a boy his age is considerate and nice...

VICTOR: You'e asking for it...

VINCENT: But he wants to be just like Vincent Price.

VICTOR:( Suddenly in a robe and have a pipe.) Wow. AND I DO NOT WANNA BE LIKE YOU!

VINCENT:He does'nt mind living with his sister dog and cats...

VICTOR: Don't have a sister, my dog died and never had cats!

VINCENT: But he'd rather share a home with spiders and bats..

VICTOR: No way! I hate spiders and bats!

( Keeps going on until the end)

VINCENT: Vincent's voice was soft and slow while he quoted The Raven from Edgar Allen Poe...

VICTOR: My soul from that shadow... DIE VINCENT!!!( Turns into Texas Chainsaw Massacre guy. Hears chainsaw buzzing.)

VINCENT: AAAAAHHHH!!!!!

* * *

(Victor is in his room painting the butterfly. The opening gentle music plays. He seems like such an elegant nice young man. He finishes the painting, lets the butterfly out from it's glass and then...)

Victor: (with a gun) Die motherf----er, die!!!!!

* * *

Nell: (after getting in the carriage and it breaks) Oh bother.

* * *

(Nell and William are looking for Victor. Mayhew is driving the carriage. Suddenly, a rush of wind comes up)

Will: Bit of a foggy ol night, wouldn't you say my dear?

Nell: Oh, shush up. (they hear a slash)

Will: What was that?!

Nell: Oh, tis just Mayhew foolin' around.

Nell: (sticking her head out of the window) Mayhew, silence that blasted slashin'! (finds Mayhew driving without a head)

Will: What was it my dear?

Nell: Oh, nothin', just Mayhew without a head.

(they both look at each other and scream)

Nell: Wait a minute, he doesn't even have a neck. 


	16. Chapter 16

Barkis: I swear, one more time Tim, one more and I quit!

Tim Burton: I promise it won't happen again. Alright, speed, marker, action!

Barkis: (grabbing Victoria) Sorry to cut things short but we must be on our way!

Victor: Take your hands off of her!

Barkis: Do I have to ki-(part of ceiling collapses on him)

Barkis: Damn it!!!!

* * *

Barkis: Hahahaha. (drinks the goblet)

Barkis: Blah! What is this!

Elder Gutknecht: Poison, what else?

Barkis: This isn't poison, this is pee!

Emily: How do you know what it tastes like?

Victor: Yeah!

Victoria: Yeah!

Barkis: Well, that's completely off point. I want to know who urniated in my prop?

Pee Wee Herman: Hahahahaa.

Barkis: You idiot!

Pee Wee Herman: I know you are but what am I?

Barkis: You're a pervert!

Pee Wee Herman: I know you are but what am I?

Barkis: You're in the wrong movie!

Pee Wee Herman: I know you are but what am- Hey now. Look at this. (shows Barkis his bike with a label on it)

Pee Wee Herman: Property of Tim Burton movies.

Barkis: You shut up!

Pee Wee Herman: You shut up!

Barkis: Make me!

Pee Wee Herman: I don't make monkey's, I only train em!

Emily: Really now, this movie needs to be finished.

Pee Wee Herman: Ah, do I love Corpse Bride. (bikes away)

Barkis: You'll be sorry Pee Wee Herman!!!!

Victoria: Who was that man?

Victor: Just some nut.

* * *

(Ending the movie, the picture flashes and a disturbing image appears. Then everything is back to normal)

Victoria: What was that?

Victor: Oh, it must be that guy who puts pornographic scenes into family movies.

Victoria: You know a guy who does that?!?

Victor(takes an absent expression): People are always asking me if I know Tyler Durden...

* * *

Victor in the woods: With this hand I shall cup your... well maybe later.

* * *

( Nell getting into the carriage)

NELL: Jesus! They make the carriage doors too small!

* * *

Victor:I'm sorry Emily, but I can't be married to you, I'll kill myself.

(he kills himself but after he is still with Emily, only with blue skin, he realizes this is what its like to be dead)

Victor:Aw crap

Emily:now we really can be together, FOREVOR

Victor:Nooooooooooo, whatever

VICTOR: With this candle, I will set your mother on fire. PHYRRO VICTOR!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!( Lights stuff on fire. Then uses gasoline. Lights a bush on fire and pours gas on it. Explosion.)


	17. Chapter 17

-Wakes up-

VICTOR: OHMYGOD!!! (singing) MY FACE, SO DISDORTED, DEFORMED IT WAS HARDLY A FACE IN THAT DARKNESS...darkness...

EMILY:(Singing) But his voice filled my spirit with a strange sweet sound / in that night there was music in my mind...

VICTOR: THIS IS MY SONG YOU LITTLE PRYING PADORA! YOU LITTLE DEMON! IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED TO SEE? CURSE YOU! YOU LITTLE LYING DELILAH! YOU LITTLE VIPER! NOW YOU CANNOT EVER BE FREE!

EMILY: Damn you...curse you...

VICTOR: STOPPIT!

* * *

GALLSWELLS: Did you remember to bring the ring?

VICTOR: Yes.

-Takes out ring and Butters bursts in.-

BUTTERS:-As Gollum- Where's the precious?

VICTOR: This?

BUTTERS: I mean the movie.

-Cartman, Kyle and Stan burst in.-

CARTMAN: You cannot have the one movie, Butters.

VICTOR: Let me see...-takes movie- BACKDOOR SLUTS 9?!?!?!? That's the most hardcore porno movie ever!!!

VICTORIA: And how would _YOU_ know?

VICTOR: Uh... I read it in People magazine.

* * *

Nell Van Dort asks about Victor's marriage to Victoria, and their new house:

Nell Van Dort: How was it?

Victor: It was great. She showed me all the wallpaper and where everything is going to go.

Nell Van Dort: Well that's nice.

Victor: And then she brought me in the back room where she took all her clothes off.

* * *

Victor is walked in on by Victoria as he is playing piano, but Victor hides behind piano:

Victoria: Why are you hiding back there? You don't have to hide from me - I'm Victoria Everglot, your fiancee and I'm as harmless as cherry pie...

sees Victor come toward her

Victoria: Oh - I can see that I've disturbed you. I'll just be going now...

Victor: Don't go.

Victoria: sees his scissor hands Oh, my. What happened to you?

Victor: I'm not finished.

* * *

Lord Barkis Bittern- I haven't a head for dates.

Pastor Gallswells- Hmm, maybe that why your fiancee to have been is buried under 15 FEET OF TIGHTLY PACKED DIRT AND ROOTS!! The poor girl waited for you beneath that tree, hoping to find love, excitement, joy, and a life beyond any other. She could have had a lovely life with little Barkises and little Emilies running about and a handsome husband alongside her. And after that, those children could have headed straight to college to make something of themselves. With all of your money you could have both just enjoyed an early retirement. But no! You just wanted her money. So you'd killed her. She practically GIVES herself to you gift-wrapped...and you kill her. How are you going to live with yourself? How will you sleep at night without that lovely young woman that could have been a love alongside you in an expensive and tasteful home? You make me SICK, Lord Barkis. Now get out.

Finnis Everglot to Maudeline What is he babbling on about?

Lord Barkis Bittern- My GAWD, man! You're right! What have I done?! What can I do?!

Pastor Gallswells- To truly be forgiven of the callous deed which you have committed, you must find her body and put it to rest in a holy place. Take action now, while you have a chance.

Lord Barkis Bittern- bolts for the door

Pastor Gallswells- calling after him Not right now, you idiot! TOWARDS THE END, WHEN THE AUDIENCE SEES WHAT HAPPENS!!!

Victor Van Dort- acting as though nothing had happened Ummmm, okeydokey, then! Now is it "With this hand, I will..."? 


	18. Chapter 18

VICTOR: But I don't even know your name.

MAGOT: That's a good way to start off a marriage.

EMILY:-Banging her head- Shut up!!! hhmmm...

VICTOR:...

EMILY: It's just the voice in my head.

VICTOR: Do you have a psychiatrist?

EMILY: Yep.

VICTOR: Who?

EMILY: The voice in my head.

* * *

at the dinner after the wedding of Victoria and Lord Barkis

Lord Barkis- Cultured, elegant, radiant...

Victoria- Oh, thank you, Barkis--

Lord Barkis- Oh shut up, Victoria, you know I don't mean a word of it!

* * *

VICTORIA: What if Victor and I don't like each other?

MAUDELINE: Like _that_ has anything to do with marriage. Do you suppose your father and I _like_ each other?

VICTORIA: How else would've I gotten here?

FINIS,MAUDELINE:...

-Flashback to the 80s with Finis and Maudeline at an alcoholic party-

FINIS:-All tipsy- Eeeeehhhhhh... won the beer chuggin contest...

MAUDELINE: ...forever the vodka queen...

-Finis seeing Maudeline and sees her pretty.-

FINIS: Heeey, sexi...

-Maudeline sees Finis as a hot guy.-

FINIS: Hey, there...

-See 7 Minutes In Heaven-

FINIS: wwwannnnna go there?

MAUDELINE:...ssssuuuurrree...

-Go into 7 Minutes In Heaven and...-

-3 hours later-

SOME GUY:-Opens door- You're time was up a long... what the hell?

-That tommorrow morning. Finis and Maudeline wake up-

FINIS: So... much... partying... Don't remember a thing...

MAUDELINE: Why am I craving pickle and ketchup ice cream? And why am I bloating up?

FINIS: Oh. My. God...

MAUDELINE: WHY DID I DO THIS GUY?!?!?!

-Flashback done-

VICTORIA:-Eyes staring, jaw dropped-

MAUDELINE: It's not as bad as me and the screwdriver...

VICTORIA: LALALALALALALALALALALA

* * *

EMILY:-Chasing Victor- Victor darling? Where are you? I really need your help SSSOOOOOOOOOO BADLY!!!!!!!!

-Victor comes out of hiding place-

VICTOR:Okay, what? I could be running away now so make this good.

EMILY: Can you... paint my right hand nails?

VICTOR: Wha-?

EMILY: I don't wanna screw up on those ones like I always do. I'm right handed and I need help with that.


	19. Chapter 19

Victor:I love weddings! Drinks all around!

* * *

-Laughing while walking down hall.-

BARKIS: Hahahahahaha -snorts and coughs out a hairball- Gotta stop lickin myself

PICTURES:...

PICTURE1: Wierdo.

PICTURE2: Wow.

VICTORIA PICTURE: HE's my husband? Best make me marry the monkey!

-Barkis strokes the face of the Victoria picture-

VICTORIA PICTURE: Hey! Get your hand off me!

BARKIS: I'm caressing your face.

VICTORIA PICTURE: GET YOUR GODDAMNED HAND OFF ME BEFORE I SAY YOU'RE MOLESTING ME!!!

BARKIS: Alright, alright! Wait for the honeymoon.

VICTORIA PICTURE: SECURITY!!!!!!!!

* * *

(When the dogs are sniffing their butts.)

DOGGY: I like you.

SCRAPS: Let's get together later. If you know what I mean...

* * *

Mayhew-(wheezing and coughing)

Pastor Galswells- (walking onto set unaware of anyone for a moment, and he inhales the air) Ahhh, it's a pleasant relief to be away from lightsabers and risking my head getting cut off again. No more "Star Wars", no more "droid general", no more!

Mayhew- 'Scuse me, do you have a tissue?

Pastor Galswells- Oh, no! It's General Grievous! Again! Not the lightsabers! AAAAAARGH! I don't want my head cut off again!

Mayhew- What the--what're you talking about?

Pastor Galswells- Well, if you are pale, hunched over, you wear something on your shoulders _and_ you cough all the time, then you _must_ be Grievous! (packs case) I'm leaving! Peter! Vincent! Save me a spot, will you?

* * *

Barkis: Emily...but I left you. I thought you were dead.

Jim: (with his revolver) I didn't.

Victor/Barkis/Victoria/Emily: Who the hell are you?

**

* * *

Elder Gutneckt: When you want to return, just say the word "Hopscotch".**

**Corpse Bride**: Hopscotch?

**Elder Gutneckt**: Yes. Hopscotch. _Letters appear on screen as he says them._ H-O-P-S-C--_gets hit by a shoe, falls over_ Ow!

**Corpse Bride**: He sure is annoying.

**Victor Van Dort**: Yeah, annoying! _Letters appear on screen as he says them._ A-N-N-O-- gets hit by a shoe

* * *

-Barkis stabs Emily-

Victoria: Is she dead?

Victor: She was dead to begin with. Darn it! I gotta stop thinking I'm Ichabod.

* * *

-Victor's in the woods practicing his vows and he goes up to a circle of trees. One with a turkey on it, one with a clover, one and Easter egg, one a US flag, one a menorah, one a pumpkin and dum dum dum! A CHRISTMAS TREE!!!-

VICTOR: Oooohhh...

-Walks up to it-

VICTOR: So... pretty...-Opens door and falls in.-

VICTOR: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Falls into Christmas Town.-

VICTOR:-singing- What's this? What's this? This colour everywhere? What's this? These white things in the air? What's this? I can't believe my oh wake up Victor this isn't fair! What's this? What's this?

-Bumps into Jack-

JACK: This is _my_ song.

VICTOR: Can I have the Town Meeting one?

JACK: Fine. And here's your copyrights for it.

VICTOR: How about the What's This reprise?

JACK: Go head.

VICTOR: And the kiss with Sally?

JACK: Don't push it. 


	20. Chapter 20

Victor: "With this ring, I ask you to be mine."

Puts ring on finger which turns invisible.

Victor: Huh?

Voice from beneath the snow: My precious!

Victor: What's going on?

Emily: (O.S) Psst, Victor!

He turns to see Emily's hand out of the snow and trying to get his attention.

Emily: (from beneath the snow.)I'm over here. The song says "I am under an oak tree."

Victor: Well, then who's this?

(Takes off ring, finger becomes visible. He pulls something out of the snow. It's Gollum.)

Victor: What are you doing here?

Gollum: We were looking for our precious.

Smeagol: No we weren't. We were standing in.

Gollum: Too tricksy it is.

Victor looks at the ring.

Victor: All right! Who's the wise guy who gave me the invisible ring?

Looks at Pastor Galswells.

Galswells: Don't look at me. I only sound like Saruman.

Emily pulls herself out of the snow.

Emily: OK. That's it. Will somebody get my agent on the phone? I don't believe this.

Tim Burton: Cut!

* * *

Galswells: I believe I know the thing to do. Let's get some sea-salt ice cream.

Victoria: Huh?

Galswells: Oh. Why do I always do that?

* * *

Barkis: Do I have to kill you too?

Victor: No. You need to bring me flowers mate. Oops! I forgot that wasn't my voice in that game.

* * *

Victor:SingsBright eyes...

Emily:Dude...WE HAVE BIG EYES! NOT BRIGHT! B-I-G! BIG!

* * *

After dealing with Barkis

Emily:Now we can all live happily ever after!

Victor:Have you considered the loss of virginity?

Victoria:What's a virginity?

Emily:OO

Victoria:Just a moment...

10 minutes later

Victoria:I searched for virginity on google. But all I got was pictures of ladies and gentlemen with no clothes on.

Victor, Emily:OO

* * *

Pastor Galswells (bursting in on the wedding ceremony wearing a dress and a long black wig): Enough of this nonsense! Come along, Master Van Dort! It's time for you to keep your appointment with the wicker man!

Victor: Appointment? What appointment? And who is the wicker man?

Galswells: You'll meet him soon enough, young man. I'm afraid you have no choice in the matter. (recognizes ring on Emily's finger) What's this? The ring? NO!! You're not...you didn't...tell me you have not consummated this unholy union!

Emily glances at Victor and nods shyly 

Galswells: DAMN! Where will I find another sacrificial virgin at this ungodly hour?

Victoria: Wait a minute. This isn't in the script. TIM!!


	21. Chapter 21

-When Barkis stabs Emily-

VICTORIA:-Out of nowhere wearing a red and blue hat- Oh my God! He killed Emily!

VICTOR:-Wearing a green hat- You bastard!

EMILY: Hem... I'm dead?

* * *

Emily turns into butterflies

Victor:WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! I'll never see her again!

Victoria:WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! I couldn't even be friends with her!

Emily is standing around the corner

Victor, Victoria:OMFG, you didn't disappear!

Emily:Special effects, anyone?

* * *

-Maggot and Spider are singing. Suddenly Victor bursts in.-

Victor: How the hell can you talk? You're friggin' bugs for crying out loud!

Maggot: Uh, I had the surgery.

Emily: WTF?

* * *

Elder Gutkneckt: Okay, here's the spell.

-He cracks open egg. Giant raw egg spills all over Victor's head.-

Victor:(Sputtering)What the hell?! Are you beep insane?!

Emily: How does your beard stay on?

* * *

-End of the movie. Emily's body transforms into a bunch of writhing snakes.-

Victor: Aaaaggghh!! Snakes!

Victoria: Run away!!

-They do.-

* * *

-

Maudeline and Finis walking down the stairs-

FINIS: Everything must be perfectAAA!!!!!-Falls, more like rolls down the stairs knocking Maudeline down and then they're on top of eachother.-

VICTOR, NELL, WILLIAM:-After coming in-...

WILLIAM: Maybe we came at a wrong time...

NELL: Yeah, we'll come when you're not, um, busy...

* * *

Victor: Wait. I made a promise.

The Corpse Bride: You kept your promise. She's safe, just like you promised. She's all set to marry Barkis, just like she promised. And I get to die for her, just like you promised. So we're all men of our word really... except for, of course, Victoria, who is in fact, a woman.

Victor: Wait..

* * *

Maudeline Everglot: It's a terrible day for a wedding

Victor Van Dort: A wedding? I love weddings! Drinks all around!

* * *

Victor Van Dort: But I don't even know your name.

Emily: Emily...Turner

* * *

Elder Gutknecht: Why go up there when people are dying to get down here?

Emily: What kind of question is that?

Victor: No need to snap, just a question

* * *

-In the forest from the Land of the Dead.-

VICTOR: Okay, Emily, wait, right, here.

EMILY: Get me some ice cream while you're at it!

VICTOR: NO!

EMILY:-wimpering-

VICTOR: Chocolate or vanilla? 


	22. Chapter 22

VICTOR: No, this was a big mistake. I would never marry you!

EMILY: Well f uck you then I hope you f uckin die!storms off and 5 seconds later comes back Sorry. We had our differences, but everything's cool now.

VICTOR: I still would'nt marry you.

EMILY: Well f uck you then I hope you f uckin die! storms off again

* * *

EMILY: With this hand I will lift your sorrows. Your cup will never empty.pours poisen. For I wil be, will be...hmm... your cup will never empty, for I will be...

VICTOR: I will be your wine.

EMILY: That's it! For I will be your wine.

VICTORIA: Hey! You're supposed to stop him!

EMILY: Then I just realized I could give less of a crap about you!

**

* * *

**: (_holding Victoria hostage with a sword_) Sorry to _cut_ things short, but we must be on our way! Hahahaha! Get it? I said "_cut_ things short", and I'm holding a sword, and I said that cuz swords cut things and uhhhh... (_crickets chirping_) Whatever. You people suck. 

* * *

"Who's this?

Who's this?

She's standing in this room.

Who's this?

She's flirting with my groom.

Who's this?

I think I'm getting angry now,

I think we're going home now.

All I have to do is say the magic word, 'Hopscotch!'

WHO IS THIS?!!?"

* * *

Emily: Have you ever seen a human heart?! It looks like a fist wrapped in blood!!!

* * *

Victor(off screen, distant): I have to return some videotapes. . .

* * *

Emily: Hello Victor. Um, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and come in tomorrow. So if you could be here around nine, that would be great. Oh, oh, yeah. . .I forgot. I'm gonna also need you to come in Sunday too. . .

* * *

EMILY: Yeah if you get a chainsaw or a knife or soething like that out.

BARKIS: Good point.

* * *

Victor: Hello? You're supposed to attack me and I cower in fear. Oh well.

-Gets Caribou.-

-Three hours later and goes back and Emily's still standing there.-

Victor: Um... Okay... -gets pizza.-

-Goes back the next day-

Victor: What the frick...

-She tips over and is apperantly a cardboard statue thing-

Victor: ... 


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: Ya I know I havent posted here in a REALLY long time but now I have time so here we go. Few more chaps till the end**

* * *

BJ: _Mrs. Landers was a health nut she cooked food in a wok _

_Mr Harris was her boyfriend he had a big fat... _

_Cock-a-doodle-doodle the rooster just won't quit _

_I won't eat my breakfast because it tastes like... _

_Shih-tzus make good housepets they're cuddly and sweet _

_Monkey's arn't good to have because they beat their... _

_Meeting in the office there's a meeting in the hall _

_The bossy wants to see you so you can suck his... _

_Ballase was a writer he lived with Alan Dunt _

_Mrs.roberts did'nt like him cause she's a big... _

_Contaminated water can really make you sick _

_Your bladder gets infected and blood comes out your... _

_Dictate wha I'm saying for it will bring you luck _

* * *

GALLSWELLS: Did you remember to bring the ring

VICTOR: Uh, hold on a minute,

-Goes to a toy ring despencer and gets a little ring-

VICTOR: Here it is!

VICTORIA: This is fake!It ain't real ruby and it's supposed to be diamond! DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE!

VICTOR: And this my children is a perfect example women like these are high maintnence

* * *

BJ: Give me a listen you corpses of cheer Someone gives him a slip of paper A request from "Slim Jim" about singing Stevie Nicks _Edge of Seventeen._ Hit it boys. 

BONE BOY: -plucking at base-

* * *

BJ: _Just like a one winged dove_

BOTH:_ Sings a song _

_just like she's singing _

_whoo...whoo...whoo..._

BJ:_Just like a one wing dove_

BOTH:_Sing a song just like she's singing __ooo_

BJ:_Baby_

BONE BOYS: _Ooo_

BJ:_Said ooo..._

VICTOR:-Wearing Stevie Nicks merchandice and wearing those foam hands- STEVIE NICKS OMG!!!!! I'M YOUR #1 FAN!!!

* * *

Galswells: Bring out your dead!

Victor: Here's one.

Galswells: Nine pence.

Emily: I'm not dead.

Galswells: What?

Emily: I'm not dead.

Galswells: She says she's not dead.

Victor: Well she will be soon. She's very ill.

Emily: I'm getting better.

Galswells: I can't take her like that. It's against regulations.

Emily: I think I'll go for a walk.

Victor: You're not fooling anyone you know.

Emily: No wait Galswells. I was only kidding. I actually am dead.

Victor: I've never wanted to do such a lame sketch. I've always wanted to be a LUMBERJACK!

Victoria: And I thought you were so rugged.

* * *

-Maud's dress is on fire and Barkis douses it out and bacon also falls out of the wine.-

Maudeline: Why was there BACON IN THE WINE?!?!?!?!!!?

Barkis: I made it myself!

* * *

-At the end when Barkis died-

Victor:-Picks up empty wine bottle- Why is the rum _always_ gone?-burps and tastes the wine in his mouth- Oh, that's why.


	24. Chapter 24

(Victor and Emily are arguing) Emily: You just went there to see that other woman!!!!  
Victor: You don't understand!  
Emily: I understand perfectly you freaking player!!!  
Victor: GGGRRR, I wish you were dead.  
...uncomfortable silence follows

* * *

Barkis: Emily?  
Emily: You!  
Barkis: But I, I left you!!!!  
Emily: For dead!  
(everyone gasps)  
Victor: OMG, you and Barkis were going steady!!!  
Emily: And in a way we still are because he never OFFICIALLY broke up with me!!  
Victor: (thinking of the sick thoughts of Emily and Barkis together) Ugh...did you delouse?

* * *

Victor:Hello Miss?  
Galswells: What do you mean Miss?  
Victor: Oh sorry I have a cold. I wish to complain about this bride I accidentally married not too long after you sent me into that very forest.  
Galswells: Ah yes. What's wrong with her.  
Victor: I'll tell you what's wrong with her. It's dead. That's what's wrong with her.  
Galswells: No. It's resting.  
Victor: She's not resting. She's passed on. This bride is no more. She has ceased to be. She has expired and gone to meet her maker. This is a late bride. It's a stiff bereft of life. If you hadn't sent me to the woods, I would be married to Victoria by now. This girl has flung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. THIS is an EX-BRIDE!!!!!

* * *

(Barkis and Victoria getting married)  
Barkis: With this ring, I ask you to be mine.  
Victoria: "Ask" you say? Then NO!  
Barkis: Dammit woman you have to marry me!  
Victoria: God my parents are making me marry a skeez and are trying to ruin my life! I'm leaving to the only person in this God forsaken world who understands!  
Barkis: Who?  
Victoria: OPRAH! Screw you guys I'm going to Chicago!-leaves-

* * *

Victor:why cant you understand it was a mistake? i would never marry you!  
-Emily slaps Victor-  
Emily:Victor your hystarical! i demand a divorce!

* * *

Barkis: I'm too sexy for my shirt.  
Too sexy for my shirt.  
So sexy it hurts.  
Victoria: (to herself) Help me!

* * *

Finis: You will marry Barkis tommorrow!  
Victoria: No I won't! I'm making my own choices! I'm marrying Orlando Bloom!  
-goes on the POTC set.-  
Victoria: Orlando!!! Hey Johnny! You're supposed to be playing Victor!  
Johnny: Why is the rum gone?

* * *

Victor's Moms: It's a terrible day!  
Victor's Pops: It's a rather bad day.  
Victor's Moms: A day for a terrible wedding!  
Victor's Pops: A rehersal my dear, to be perfectly clear.  
Victor's Moms: A rehearsal for an ominous wedding!  
Victor's Pops: Wait... oh damn! CUT!!

* * *

Maggot: (standing beside Victor's footprints in the snow) Besides, he couldn't get very far with those cold feet!  
(Police sirens)  
Maggot: Who are you?!  
Bad Pun Policeman: We are the Bad Pun Police! For saying a bad pun, you must die!  
(The Bad Pun Police shoots at Maggot, but to no avail.)  
Maggot: Nice try, but I don't have knees.  
Bad Pun Policeman: Damn! You got lucky this time... BUB!!

* * *

Mayhew: Guess it's time it pick up the pieces and move on, I guess.  
Drunk Skeleton: (in pieces on the floor) 'Oy. Speakin' o' pickin' up the pieces...  
(The Bad Pun Police arrives with their siren and shoot at the Skeleton.)  
Drunk Skeleton: 'Oy! You shot out my coccyx! That's my bum bone!  



	25. Chapter 25

Barkis: (holding Victoria hostage with a sword) Sorry to cut things short, but we must be on our way! (The Bad Pun Police arrives with their siren and shoot out both Barkis's knees.)  
Barkis: AAAHHHHH, sssss!! AAAHHHHH, sssss!! AAAHHHHH, sssss!! AAAHHHHH, sssss!! AAAHHHHH, sssss!!  
Bad Pun Policeman: Yes! I did it! I finally shot someone's knees out! And in a church, too!

* * *

Emily: No! You're married to ME! She's the other woman! -sobs-  
Elder G: She's got a point.  
Victor: -irritably- Shut up. No one asked you.

* * *

Victor: I would never marry you!  
-silence-  
Emily: -bitch slaps Victor-  
EG: CAT FIGHT!!!!!!!!

* * *

Barkis: -drinks poison- Hmm... this is some quality cherry juice.  
EG: Cherry juice? That's poisin.  
Barkis: Read this bottle right here -bottle says Cherry Juice-  
EG: I'll be damned! So if that's the cherry juice, then the refreshment punch must be...  
-Victor is getting himself some punch-  
Everyone: VICTOR! NO!  
-It's too late. He drinks it and then starts to puff out and sputter and explodes-  
-silence-  
Everyone: Hahahahahahahhahahaha! That's a good one

* * *

Emily: Crucio! Wait- wrong movie, sorry.

* * *

Victor: Hello. My name Victor van Dort. You killed my bride-to-be. Prepare to die.

* * *

-Corpse bride rises from the ground-  
Victor: Oh bugger

* * *

Elder Godnicht: When you want to return say hopscotch  
Emily: Hopscotch? Why hopscotch that is such a stupid word. I think you're past it mate!

* * *

-Emily standing outside the church. But instead of turning into butterflies, she is hoisted into the air, while singing.-  
Emily: "Shake, Shake, Shake Senora!  
Shake your body line!  
Shake, shake, shake Senora!  
Work it all the time.  
Jump in the line,  
Rock your body in time.  
Okay! I believe you!"  
-Victor and Victoria give each other wierd glances. -  
Victor: I guess she did well on the science test.

* * *

-When he sees Emily playing the piano-  
Victor: I'm sorry. I know what will cheer you up. -leaves for a minute and comes out in a banana suit.-

_It's peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time _

_Where he at he at he at he at _

_There he go he go he go he go _

_Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly _

-Emily slaps him. He looks sad but then-

_Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat!_

* * *

-Victor and Sally at the end on that one swirly hill and are about to kiss-  
Jack: Hell no! No one takes my Sally poo! -pushes Victor off the hill-  
Sally: But you don't understand! I love him!  
Jack: Say wha-?!!?  
Sally: And our relationship got stronger ever since last night...  
Jack: OH…..MY…. GOD

* * *

Victor: you dont understand, shes dead. look! -shakes Emilys arm-  
Emily -pulls back-: no im not  
Victor: uh ya you are  
Emily: oh ya I forgot.  
Victor & Victoria: 00  



	26. Chapter 26

-When Victor is clombing the vines up to Victorias' balcony, climbs half-way up, and falls off-  
Victor: Ouch!  
Victoria: What was that?!  
Victor: . . .

* * *

Maud: Victor vanDort is gone child  
-rumbling in the closet and Victor falls out-  
Maud: Second that. But what is he doing?  
Victoria: Wait 9 months and then you'll find out

* * *

(after Victor ends up in the land of the dead)  
Victor: Oh Bugger  
Emily: WRONG MOVIE YOU IDIOT!  
Victor: I just couldn't resist mate  
Emily: stop it STOP IT STOP IT

* * *

Victor and Emily's Wedding:  
Mrs. Plum: Is this the little girl I carried...?  
Maggot: When did she grow to be so taaaalll...?

* * *

Victoria: Victor loves ME!  
Emily: He loves ME!  
Victor: You're both wrong.  
VictoriaEmily: Wha?  
Victor: I'm in love...with LORD BARKIS!  
Barkis: -gasp- OH VICTOR! WE'LL GO TO PARIS! SEE THE SIGHTS OF JAPAN! SAIL EVERY OCEAN AND TRAVEL ALL OVER THE WORLD! We'll be just like Thelma and Louise! Together till the end!  
Victor: -runs-  
Barkis: -cry-

* * *

Gallswells: Learn your VOWS! -grabs light saber outta nowhere and slices Victor's arm off-  
Victor: AAAAHHH DAMMIT, MAN! THIS IS NOT STAR WARS!!  
Gallswells: Bugger...

* * *

Victor: With this hand I will...(bumps into alter)  
Gallswells: Three steps! THREE! Th-reeeee!(Cheerleaders come out of somewhere)  
Victor: Ooh they're hot!  
(Victoria bitch slaps him)  
Gallswells: Give me a T!  
Cheerleaders: T!  
Gallswells: Give me an H!  
Cheerleaders: H!  
Gallswells: Give me an...  
Victor: I'm not that retarded!  
Gallswells: That is the key word!  
Victor:(storms off)

* * *

Widow Spider: Why so blue?  
Emily I'm always blue you dumbass!  
Widow Spider: Screw You

* * *

-When Barkis is revealed-  
Emily: You!  
Barkis: Emily...?  
Emily: YOU!  
Barkis: But I left you...  
Emily:..For dead  
-no reaction from the crowd-  
-Emily and Barkis shrug-  
Emily: -ahem- FOR DEAD  
-no reaction-  
Barkis: Hello! I killed this girl  
Mrs. Plum: Oh, we knew that  
Emily and Barkis: What!?  
Victor: Yeah, we read IMDB before coming here  
Emily and Barkis: ...Oh.  



	27. Chapter 27

**A/n: One more chap after this. Ill post the credits then**

* * *

Emily: You! Barkis: Emily!  
Emily: Barkis!  
Victoria: Barkis?  
Barkis: Victoria!  
Emily: Barkis!  
Barkis: Emily!  
Victor: VICTOR!  
All: Victor!  
Victor: -sniff, sniff- I feel so unloved..

* * *

Victor: I want some questions!  
-corpses snicker-  
Emily: -slaps face- -mumbles- Great, he's ALREADY making a bad impression...  
Victor: MUMBLER! Seriously, I cannot understand a wor-  
Emily: -runs out in embarrassment-

* * *

(When they're in the Church and Maudeline Everglot's dress catches on fire)  
Barkis: -pours wine on the flame, putting it out-  
Maudeline: Oh good job, idiot. Now it'll stain!  
Barkis: It's already burnt, you twit!  
Finis: How dare you! Fetch me musket!  
Maudeline: You and your stupid musket!  
Nell: -continues to fan, even though the fire is out-  
Maudeline: And for the billionth time, STOP FANNING MY DRESS!!!

* * *

-Victor starts practicing just outside the Everglot mansion-  
Victor: With this hand, I will cup your--. Oh goodness no!  
Barkis and Victoria see this through the window.  
Barkis: I don't know about this one Victoria. Here's a little tip. If he gives you a stupid smile, that means he's picturing you naked.  
Victoria slaps him.  
Victoria: Get away from me you horrid, horrid man!

* * *

Victor: With this candle I will... set your mother on fire. Hey that ain't a bad add on that stupid bitch her yeah...

* * *

Elder G: The vows are binding only until death do you part  
Emily: I don't understand  
Elder G: Do I have to spell it out for you?!  
Emily: Could you?  
Elder G: Death has already parted you, you idiot!  
Emily: Oh

* * *

Victoria: Victor is married to a dead woman.  
Pastor Gallswells: It is you who are being put to the test. Oops! Wrong Tim Burton movie.

* * *

-After Town crier leaves-  
Nell: Mystery women? He dosen't even know any woman!  
William: Wha- What about Victoria? What about her mother? What about YOU?! 


	28. Chapter 28

**A/n: As I said this is the end. **

**Special thanks to: **_Mrs.Masters, corpsebridefan, DarkAngelmage18, followthesun, Audra Markwell, KibaInu, Cream Blush, BlindBandit13, Giver of Roses, Cass The Homocidal Maniac, corpsebride1994, xDISTURBED-BY-YOUx, Lydia Deetz _**and **_CoriOreo_

**Thanks to those who read but didnt review. Read my other stories (mostly Harry Potter). Bye  
**

* * *

Victor: I suddenly have the urge to become a Sith.  
Emily: Oh, they're still alive.  
Victor: I'm afraid so.  
Emily: You want them to die?! -slaps Victor-  
Victor: -obs and runs off-

* * *

While Barkis is gasping after drinking the poison:  
Barkis: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Stayin' alive! Stayin' alive!  
Bonejangles: You drank poison you freak. God I hope with him singing he doesn't upstage me back home.

* * *

-Victor is slipping on the ice-  
Ice: -crack!-  
-Victor starts falling in the water-  
Victor: I'm pretty f ucked now. -Sinks in the water. He sees Ariel- I second that.  
Emily: -Jumping in the water- Hey! He's my husband bitch! -bitch slaps Ariel.-  
Ariel: Whatd I do? -Bitch slaps Emily. They're in a cat fight-  
-LATER AT A CAMPFIRE-  
Victor: Mmm this is good fish. What kind is it?  
Emily: That bitch Ariel that tried to steal you from me.

* * *

Emily: I thought I'd be married by now. I'm so ready to be married.  
Victor: Ew! Don't kiss me with your decaying lips.  
Emily: I have to. It's in the script.  
Victor: I'd like to know who wrote it.  
Emily: John August.  
Victor: The writer of Big Fish? My favorite movie. Okay. Carry on then.

* * *

(Victor takes Victoria to the land of the dead, the bone boys and bonejangles sing remains of the day. They finish)  
BONEJANGLES: Why don't yu sing victor?  
VICTORIA: Yeah, i'd love to hear you sing  
VICTOR (Sings terriblly) The world is not enough! But it is such a perfect place to start my love! And if you're strong enough, together we can take the world apart! My love  
VICTORIA: Stop! Stop! I can't bear it  
(Victoria dies)

* * *

-Victor is trying to escape to the "upstairs"-again. He's wearing a campflage shirt.-  
Emily: Hi Victor.  
Victor: No! You can't see me! I'm invisible!

* * *

Victor: (to deceased Barkis as he's being dragged by the dead) You will remember this as the day you almost killed... Victor Van Dort!  



	29. Additional Reviews

**A/n: This is a reader entry. I promised Id include them so**

**Submitted by _Emily Van Dort (9/9/07): _**

(Victor bumps into the alter at Everglot mansion)  
Paster: -glares- I hope you die...I hope we all die just to make sure you die...

Maggot: Can I come out now? Living inside a corpse is, kinda horrible...  
Emily: Hey!

* * *

A/N: More ppl can still add theres. Just send it in a review. 


End file.
